A close-up image of a branch of white cherry blossoms. — Photo my own

Hello, goodbye, begin again

May 05, 2022 by Beebe Sharkey

Hello. It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. I’m starting a new project where I will continue to write (I’m very excited about it—more on it below). But, it didn’t feel right starting it before returning here to say goodbye, and closing this chapter.

For two years this was a space where I wrote about navigating life with mental illnesses. It was extremely cathartic and helpful—a way to connect with others about something that felt so isolating. So many of you reached out to me in response to my posts—encouraging and supporting me more than I could have ever imagined. I am infinitely grateful to each one of you. Your support kept me going through dark times. But, at some point, this project that gave me so much life started feeling like a burden.

For several years I felt stuck with nothing to say. I was unable to write or do anything creative because I was undergoing so much stress and trauma. Words lost their magic. I didn’t feel like sharing or being seen anymore. It made me worried that I wouldn’t be able to write again—that the creative part of me was broken.

I tried to be patient with myself. Eventually, after a pandemic and a flare-up of chronic pain forced me to slow down and take care of myself, I was able to start healing. With healing, the creative spark finally returned. Patience, resilience, and the hard work of healing brought a new beginning.

One of the only outlets I’ve had during these past few years has been listening music. When I couldn’t handle movement or visual stimuli or do much of anything, I could still reliably listen to music. It has been a saving force and a way to feel connected to the creative realm. This year I set a goal for myself to listen to a new album every day. Right now I’m ahead of schedule and am up to 160 albums. It’s something that has been giving me purpose and I look forward to it every day. I’m excited to share that my new project is related to this: a (close to) weekly newsletter called Band Practice with my reviews of the albums I’ve listened to. Each week I’ll review at least seven new albums from a eclectic array of genres. There will be bonus playlists and musings on my love of music in general. I invite you to subscribe here if that’s something that sounds interesting to you. I look forward to seeing you there.

Until then, thank you. Thank you for all you have done to support me and for joining me in this space where it was safe to be my full self. I am the happiest and most stable I have ever been, and this space–and the community it gave me–greatly contributed to that.

I used to end each blog post with a song that captured the feeling of what I was writing. This time, as a special sendoff, I’m sharing a whole playlist that I made. I like to make playlists for each season as time capsules for that particular space and time. This one is for spring 2022, and it couldn’t be more fitting for this time in my life. Winter requires patience and resilience; spring brings new beginnings to that which has endured. I tried to make this playlist feel like that. The heavy moments are met with messages of hope–much like dreary spring days are met with breaks of sunlight. There is both grief and celebration, heartache and love—told through an eclectic variety of genres. Overall, I hope you find it uplifting. There are links to both the Spotify and Apple Music versions below. (Fair warning that there are explicit lyrics.)

Goodbye, readers, and thank you once more. Here’s to new beginnings!

Understanding in a car crash

November 17, 2017 by Beebe Sharkey

I’ll never forget the sounds of metal crashing into metal; glass breaking; unidentifiable structures crunching. I’ll never forget the feeling of completely losing control; of my vehicle being hurdled toward and then ricocheting off a guardrail; flipping and tumbling through the air; somehow landing right-side-up in a thorny ditch. I’ll never forget the impossible weight of my car door that day and somehow being able to push myself out of it —my vision so obscured, not knowing whether I was exiting to land or water.

The Pursuit of Happiness

February 16, 2017 by Beebe Sharkey

Happiness is elusive. It slips through my fingers like a fistful of sand. When I was young I was told to go after what makes me happy. So I tried to go after it, but I couldn’t pin it down.

Something about nothing

October 27, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I thought I’d be better at doing nothing. When I was overworked and overwhelmed at my job, I would fantasize about days where I had nothing to do. But, now that I actually have (next to) nothing to do, I find myself really unhappy.

If not now, when?

October 06, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

A little over a year ago I jumped out of a plane flying at 11,000 feet in the air. This feels considerably less risky than what I’m about to do next. Less risky because it feels like I don't have much of a parachute to catch me this time. If things go wrong, I'm the one who has to catch me.

Stability

September 15, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Today, I feel flat. I don’t feel like I felt when I first started my blog, and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I feel different. Not necessarily depressed or anxious or manic, but also not necessarily happy or energetic or good. It’s hard to know where I’m at…what this feeling is…what it says about me.

Happy blogiversary to me

September 08, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Welp, it has been one year since I started this blog. I’ve logged over 60 entries, writing almost every week for the past year. I’m not sure what to make of it all. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. I’ve gotten a lot off of my chest, and have read many responses from you, dear readers, that have given me hope.

On writing and other things

August 25, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

It would be easier not to write. Easier, because I don't know what to write about. Nothing seems particularly interesting or inspiring. It all just seems flat, even though I suppose it's not.

Spirals

August 11, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

It's been just over a month since I started the outpatient therapy program, so I thought it was time for an update on how I'm doing. I'm still in the program and it's looking like I'll be there through the end of this month. The road to recovery has been slower this time around...a lot like two steps forward and one step back, or cyclical rather than linear. I wish that I was in a better place, but I'm not. I'm still struggling each day as the depression clings on. I do, however, feel like I've turned a corner and that I'm on the side where things will start getting easier soon. Soon...just not quite yet.

Things I wish I could say to you

August 04, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I wish I could tell you that I'm getting better, but I don't know how long it will take until I actually am better. I wish I could give you a guarantee; a date that we could circle on the calendar. But, right now, it's just a big unknown. I want you to know that I have faith that I will get better, I just don't know exactly when.

Dissociating

July 28, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Around the sixth grade I casually mentioned to my best friend’s mom that I sometimes heard voices. “You know, hearing voices is a sign of insanity,” she said. I felt so ashamed in that moment. I decided that “insane” was something I didn’t want to be. So, for twenty years I kept my mouth shut about it, until recently.

Illness/wellness

July 21, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Today, I was sitting in the lobby of the hospital where I'm receiving my outpatient treatment, trying to hold back tears while quietly eating my lunch, and I watched people coming in and out of the elevators. As I watched them a curious thought popped into my head, "wow, I can't imagine being really sick right now." And then I corrected myself, "I am really sick right now." I had spent time feeling sorry for all of the people who came into the hospital that were battling diseases, injuries, and pain, and had somehow excluded myself from that group. But, I am very much a part of that group.

Not alone

July 14, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I just want to pause for a moment this week and acknowledge the overwhelming support that I have received since my last blog post. I asked for help and instead of cringing and turning away, you listened. I asked for what I needed and it has been provided for in abundance. I have received texts, tweets, phone calls, letters, meals, and packages from all over...from people who are close to me, and from people who barely know me. And, instead of letting myself feel like a garbage person who doesn't deserve any of it, I have tried to accept the love that is being shown to me: the kind of love that everyone deserves.

A bigger boat

July 07, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I know I was going to write about dissociative disorders this week, but I can’t do it…not yet. Because, I felt that you should know that I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for awhile, and I can’t keep pretending to be okay. I’ve somehow unearthed a mountain of shit, and it just keeps getting bigger. I’ve been trying to ride the waves of a long, major depressive episode, and I can’t do it alone anymore…I’ve determined I need a “bigger boat”. Yes, folks, I’m quoting Jaws here.

A self divided

June 30, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything makes sense, and yet nothing makes sense all at the same time? I’ve had a few of those recently. The first time was learning that I may have a dissociative disorder (more on that in my next post). The second was when I received a new diagnosis: Bipolar II disorder. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve known for awhile that there was something else going on with me besides just being depressed and anxious, but I had trouble articulating it. I knew those times in between being depressed where I felt good were suspiciously good…too good…and often involved me feeling completely jumpy and restless, like I needed to run a marathon or buy all the things.

Pretending to be “okay”

June 23, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

“Lately, I feel like a drama queen,” I said to one of my friends over Facebook messenger. “Uh. No. No no no. You are not a drama queen. Good grief,” she said to me. “You are going through some shit. It’s ok to go through shit and ask for help and not be ok all the time.” “Thank you,” I said, “I suppose you’re right.” “You acted ‘ok’ for a LONG time,” she said.

Orlando

June 16, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Regarding the massacre at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando, I’ve heard the phrases, “senseless violence,” or “senseless tragedy” tossed around. Those are interesting and troubling phrases. Ones that, I think, let us all off the hook a little too easily.

The piano player (another survival story)

June 09, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Once, a woman was given the gift of a piano. With it, she was given a simple invitation: to join a band. All she had to do was play in the band, and she could play the piano as much as she wanted. So, she agreed, and accepted her gift; she accepted the invitation.

S'more pops and EMDR

June 02, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Lately, my creative energy feels a little worn out. I had a pretty bad depressive episode a week or so ago, and I’m still recovering from it. I still don’t want to write about that thing that’s been nagging at me. I’m still processing it all. I could write about what EMDR therapy has been like. But, I’d rather give you a recipe for something I made recently: s’more pops (pictured below). Or, maybe, I’ll do both.

On anger and healing

May 26, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

“I don’t want to write my blog anymore,” I told by boyfriend. “Why?” he asked. “Because I’m out of things to write except for the hard stuff…the stuff I don’t want to write about.” “So write about that,” he said.