I don't feel like writing today. In fact, I haven't felt like writing for the past two weeks. And it makes me worried. I'm worried that I've hit a wall. I'm worried that I've lost everything — all of my creative flow, my energy, my motivation.
In my previous posts I was able to write from a perspective of what I thought was a corner turned, and now I'm back in the muck again. I thought (naively) that I was going to feel better for longer. I didn't expect the depression and anxiety to come back this soon. Maybe I can blame it on the weather. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons and the darker days. Maybe it's circumstantial. Maybe it's time to increase or change the meds again—who knows. All I know is that, as much as I really really want to, I can't control it. My depression and anxiety are like koalas...evil koalas. Koalas that suddenly jump on me from their trees, clinging to me with their vice-like grips. They're not me, but they're still attached to me, refusing to let go. And right now I wish they were gone. I really wish those stupid koalas were gone.
It's in times like these that I question everything: what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, whether any of it has any purpose. So, naturally I'm questioning this blog and its purpose. What am I even doing? Why am I writing?
I've got to tell you, even on the good days it's not easy to write. I mean, maybe typing the words isn't so hard, but it's that initial doing—that trying to get the words in my brain to come out, and then everything after I click "publish" that is difficult. Every time I publish a blog post, dread and insecurity comes rushing in immediately after. What did I just write? Did I sound fake? Did I sound stupid? Does anybody care? What am I adding to the world by writing a silly blog? Is this even helping anything?
I guess now is as good a time as any to introduce what the title of this blog (blah blog blerg) means. To me, they're words that describe this whole process of writing.
Blah: The sum of all of the feelings I feel before writing, culminating in the need to get it all out.
Blog: The writing, the doing, the getting it out.
Blerg: The outpouring of feelings immediately after clicking "publish"—doubt, relief, worry, hope.
If I felt like it, I'd draw you a little diagram here, but just imagine it instead. Blah has an arrow leading to blog, which has an arrow leading to blerg, and then another arrow that connects it back around to blah in a circle. The process is a cycle to try to keep myself ahead of my negative feelings—to try to outrun the koalas.
So, is it working? Is this helping? Am I learning anything? I have no idea. There are days when I write and I receive feedback from people telling me that what I wrote was meaningful to them and that, in turn, feels meaningful to me. There are also days like today where everything feels meaningless and I feel embarrassed about everything I've put out into the world. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to hold both sets of feelings in each hand and weigh whether it's worth it to continue writing. All I know right now is that I still have things to say, so I'm going to hold out hope that I'll be able to say them, and that—maybe—my words will be meaningful to someone.
Post script after the jump.
As you may have noticed, each week I have included a "song of the week" that somewhat relates to what I have written about. I've started building a playlist of those songs on Spotify, for those who are interested. You can listen to it by going here.