I thought I’d be better at doing nothing. When I was overworked and overwhelmed at my job, I would fantasize about days where I had nothing to do. But, now that I actually have (next to) nothing to do, I find myself really unhappy.
I don’t know what to do with myself, so I fill the void with anxiety. I feel anxious because I feel like I should be doing something, when, really, there’s nothing to do…and not much I can do. There aren’t friends I can call up to spend time with — they’re all working. And I’m saving every penny possible for my trip overseas. And, so it’s been extremely lonely lately. Just me and my dog and all the streaming tv one could desire to watch.
I’ve grown tired of it; exhausted from all of the anxiety. All of this free time just leaves room for me to worry about the future instead of enjoying the present. It makes me wish I could fast forward to about a week and a half from now, when I’ll be in France, working on something I’ve been looking forward to for a very long time.
But, part of the process is the waiting. Part of the process is the nothing. Even in the boredom, in the anxiety, in the loneliness there is something to be learned — something to be discovered. I am learning about who I am, what I want, and what I am ready for. It doesn’t feel as good as physically doing something, but it’s still important right now. In this last week and a half before my trip, I hope that I can come to embrace the nothing; to see it as a gift.