I wish I could tell you that I'm getting better, but I don't know how long it will take until I actually am better. I wish I could give you a guarantee; a date that we could circle on the calendar. But, right now, it's just a big unknown. I want you to know that I have faith that I will get better, I just don't know exactly when.
I wish I could tell you that I'm still the same me inside...that I've always been the same inside, and always will be the same. I wish you could trust me when I tell you that I'm the same me. Or, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm not the same. Maybe I'm slightly different. And, I haven't figured out whether it's a good different or a bad different, or a little of both. There's so much that is still unknown, so much dust that is still settling. I wish you would be patient with me, and understand that I'm trying to be myself. I really am trying.
I wish I could tell you that I'm working hard to get better. I wish you could see the effort I'm putting in just by showing up to therapy each day, by trying to take care of myself, by existing. I want you to know that it doesn't come easy, that it's a struggle, but that I'm doing the best I can. I really am trying.
I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate all of your support. I wish I could tell you how much it means to me. I want to acknowledge all of the sacrifices that you've made just to be by my side during this very complicated time. I know it's not the first time you've been there for me, and it has probably been difficult. I want you to know that I see you. I see your efforts. And they mean the world to me.
I wish I could tell you that I sometimes feel resentful. I feel resentful that you get to have a life that isn't weighed down by all of these disorders I live with. You get to live a life that consists of almost anything you want. You have the freedom to spend all of your energy in one day and wake up the next day with a new cache of energy. You don't have to worry about when a mood swing will strike out of nowhere, rendering you incapable of doing almost anything. You get to simply exist and be you, and I feel jealous of you because of this.
I wish I could tell you that I still need you. I wish I could tell you that it helps to have your support, your time, your care, and your understanding. Sometimes I feel desperate for your attention. But, also, I'm learning how to not need you. I'm learning how to stand on my own two feet, to be independent, to be self-sustaining, so that I don't drain you, so that I'm not co-dependent.
But, above all, I wish I could tell you that I love you. That you, exactly as you are, mean the world to me. And I wish I could be there for you, the way you've been there for me. I wish I was the strong one. That I wasn't the one who needed support all the time; that I wasn't the one that was readjusting to a new self, a new identity, a new normal. I wish I wasn't the one going to therapy every day. I wish that I could be there for you. I wish I could tell you that I love you. I wish I could tell you that I love you.