The Pursuit of Happiness
Happiness is elusive. It slips through my fingers like a fistful of sand. When I was young I was told to go after what makes me happy. So I tried to go after it, but I couldn’t pin it down.
Read MoreStability
Today, I feel flat. I don’t feel like I felt when I first started my blog, and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I feel different. Not necessarily depressed or anxious or manic, but also not necessarily happy or energetic or good. It’s hard to know where I’m at…what this feeling is…what it says about me.
Read MoreHappy blogiversary to me
Welp, it has been one year since I started this blog. I’ve logged over 60 entries, writing almost every week for the past year. I’m not sure what to make of it all. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. I’ve gotten a lot off of my chest, and have read many responses from you, dear readers, that have given me hope.
Read MoreOn writing and other things
It would be easier not to write. Easier, because I don't know what to write about. Nothing seems particularly interesting or inspiring. It all just seems flat, even though I suppose it's not.
Read MoreSpirals
It's been just over a month since I started the outpatient therapy program, so I thought it was time for an update on how I'm doing. I'm still in the program and it's looking like I'll be there through the end of this month. The road to recovery has been slower this time around...a lot like two steps forward and one step back, or cyclical rather than linear. I wish that I was in a better place, but I'm not. I'm still struggling each day as the depression clings on. I do, however, feel like I've turned a corner and that I'm on the side where things will start getting easier soon. Soon...just not quite yet.
Read MoreThings I wish I could say to you
I wish I could tell you that I'm getting better, but I don't know how long it will take until I actually am better. I wish I could give you a guarantee; a date that we could circle on the calendar. But, right now, it's just a big unknown. I want you to know that I have faith that I will get better, I just don't know exactly when.
Read MoreIllness/wellness
Today, I was sitting in the lobby of the hospital where I'm receiving my outpatient treatment, trying to hold back tears while quietly eating my lunch, and I watched people coming in and out of the elevators. As I watched them a curious thought popped into my head, "wow, I can't imagine being really sick right now." And then I corrected myself, "I am really sick right now." I had spent time feeling sorry for all of the people who came into the hospital that were battling diseases, injuries, and pain, and had somehow excluded myself from that group. But, I am very much a part of that group.
Read MoreA bigger boat
I know I was going to write about dissociative disorders this week, but I can’t do it…not yet. Because, I felt that you should know that I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay for awhile, and I can’t keep pretending to be okay. I’ve somehow unearthed a mountain of shit, and it just keeps getting bigger. I’ve been trying to ride the waves of a long, major depressive episode, and I can’t do it alone anymore…I’ve determined I need a “bigger boat”. Yes, folks, I’m quoting Jaws here.
Read MoreA self divided
Have you ever had one of those moments where everything makes sense, and yet nothing makes sense all at the same time? I’ve had a few of those recently. The first time was learning that I may have a dissociative disorder (more on that in my next post). The second was when I received a new diagnosis: Bipolar II disorder. I wasn’t surprised. I’ve known for awhile that there was something else going on with me besides just being depressed and anxious, but I had trouble articulating it. I knew those times in between being depressed where I felt good were suspiciously good…too good…and often involved me feeling completely jumpy and restless, like I needed to run a marathon or buy all the things.
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