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Living with mental illness

My adventures in living with mental illness; namely Bipolar II disorder, PTSD, and trichotillomania.

Illness/wellness

July 21, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Today, I was sitting in the lobby of the hospital where I'm receiving my outpatient treatment, trying to hold back tears while quietly eating my lunch, and I watched people coming in and out of the elevators. As I watched them a curious thought popped into my head, "wow, I can't imagine being really sick right now." And then I corrected myself, "I am really sick right now." I had spent time feeling sorry for all of the people who came into the hospital that were battling diseases, injuries, and pain, and had somehow excluded myself from that group. But, I am very much a part of that group.

The Tunnel (when failure is survival)

May 12, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I looked back and I saw a woman. She was afraid, trapped, suffocating. She had been abused. She had been used. She had been manipulated. Every day she was living at the end of her rope, trying desperately to hold on for dear life.

Mental Health Month

May 05, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

This week, instead of writing, I want to draw your attention to something important. This month is Mental Health Month, spearheaded by NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).

Values, Wants, and Expectations

April 28, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

When you have a mental illness, you see the world a little differently. You’ve walked through the fiery darkness and have come out the other side a little bit singed. There are scars from burns that will always be there. You wish it were different. You wish that you were pure, unscathed, ignorant to the pain you’ve felt before. But, life is different.

S is for Stigma

April 22, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

There is still a lot of stigma attached to mental illness and we need to do something about it. Stigma is the reason that I’m here, sharing my story. My story is an invitation. It’s an invitation to let go of some of your preconceived notions about mental illness and here what it’s really like…at least from one person…from me. Because, my hope is, every time we hear real stories about mental illness it chips away at its stigma. It chips away at that relative you have with a mental illness being dismissively called crazy. It chips away at someone who’s experiencing mood swings being flippantly called bipolar. It chips away at the fear, the unknowing, and the lack of understanding.

N is for the New Normal

April 16, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

There’s a very thin line between stability and crumbling back into a depressed and anxious mess that I walk every day. It involves a tremendous amount of energy to stay balanced. Every day I have to choose whether it is worth it to keep going with that stability. Not taking care of myself is always the easier option but, I know what that feels like, and I know I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to vacillate between feeling 1,000 emotions at once and feeling completely numb…it just doesn’t feel good.

M is for Mental Illness #talkingaboutit

April 15, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

It’s time to talk about mental illness. I know, I know…that’s what we’ve been talking about all along, isn’t it? Well, not really. I’ve been doing a lot of talking/writing and you, dear reader, have been doing a lot of reading/listening. And I am extremely grateful for that. We got through the first step together. But, now it’s time to talk about it.

K is for Kind (a poem)

April 13, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

Please be kind.

I’ve been through a lot.

I’ve felt a lot. I’ve been hurt a lot. I’ve endured a lot.

Please know that I’m stronger now, but still fragile.

I is for Identity (self)

April 11, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

As a person with mental illnesses my identity has always been hard to pin down. When I was younger, one of my coping mechanisms was to be a chameleon. I've tried on lots of different "genres": skater girl, Christian ska/punk/rock girl, hardcore girl, sad emo girl...and they've all come with some entertaining fashion statements, for the record. It used to feel better to immerse myself in a genre and let it be an identity for me, so that I didn't really have to take a deep look at who I was. Because, I didn't know who I was. Is a genre my "self"?

H is for Happy

April 09, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

"I just want you to be happy." How many times have I heard that said in a well-meaning-yet-stinging way? It stings like rubbing alcohol on the open wound that is my mental illness. Yes, I want to be happy, too, but I don't just want to be happy. I want so much more than to be happy.

Blogging from A-Z (catching up)

April 08, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I’m interrupting my normal blogging schedule to participate in the “Blogging From A to Z Challenge” for the month of April. While I've missed the official sign-up, I've decided to do it anyway. Each day (except for Sunday) I’ll be posting based on a different letter of the alphabet…starting with A, ending with Z, of course. Each post will continue on the theme of dealing with my own mental illness trials and tribulations, keeping with the theme of this blog. I just found out about this challenge yesterday, so I have some catching up to do. Not sure if this counts under the official “rules”, but here are my entries catching up to today’s current challenge (G). So, here it goes: A to G.

Thoughts on people and trees (potential)

March 10, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

It's nearly spring in Portland and there are blossoms on trees starting to open up all around—crocuses pushing their way out of the ground—and the colors are spectacular. I try to be mindful of their beauty, as I take it all in, but, what I notice is not just the things in bloom, but all of the trees and bushes and flowers that have yet to open up. They're still waiting to bloom in their own time.

(I am) (we are) not alone

February 11, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

At the time of writing this I've almost been through one whole week of my Intensive Outpatient (Psychiatric) Program. It has been a roller coaster of a week, feeling all sorts of emotions...even ones that I didn't realize I had in me. When I first started the program I was completely anxious about going through therapy with a bunch of strangers and sharing scary parts of my life with them but, to my surprise, it's gotten easier. Why? Because each time I share something, there's at least one person who has been where I've been, or are currently in the same spot. And there are so many instances where others have shared something and I've nodded my head with–eyes welled up with tears–and thought, "me too."

Why I'm going to stop trying to be a normal human

January 14, 2016 by Beebe Sharkey

I had two big realizations recently. The first is this: all of this time that I've been living with mental illness, I was under the assumption that I would be cured someday. Cured of depression, anxiety, trichotillomania, and everything else I live with. I thought it was all just a sickness (like coming down with the flu), and if I found the right combination of medications and participated in the right combination of therapies, I would eventually be fixed and function like a normal human someday. But then, it hit me: what if I can't be cured? What if my mental illness is not like a sickness, but something inside me that is permanently broken—something that will always be a part of my life? What if I'm broken in a way that can't be completely fixed?

Letting go of religion, part two: the church

December 24, 2015 by Beebe Sharkey

It's Christmas Eve day today: the time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. My family has a tradition of observing this holiday by going to a beautiful candlelit service at church and singing hymns of rejoicing. Joy to the world, the Lord has come. But I don't feel joy. I don't feel like celebrating much. And I don't go to those candlelit church services anymore, because I know that all I will feel is pain, sadness, and anxiety.

Mental illness comic round-up

October 22, 2015 by Beebe Sharkey

There have been some awesome comics about mental illness that have popped up in my news feeds lately, so I thought I'd share them with you all. I share them because sometimes having visuals like these brings a new level of meaning or depth to a story (especially when dealing with a subject that is seemingly intangible). These comics have done that for me. Click on the images to see the comics in their entirety.

Mental illness in the news

October 08, 2015 by Beebe Sharkey

I didn't feel much like writing this week...life has been busy, and the slowly darkening days have exhausted my brain quite a bit. But, instead of not posting anything, I wanted to share this video from John Oliver tangentially-related to the shooting at Umqua Community College. I'm sure many of you have already seen it but, for those who haven't, it's a concise and informative look at the mental health care system in our country. Of course, since it's from HBO, there is some adult content mentioned, so consider yourself warned and whatnot. It also contains humor.