Today, I feel flat. I don’t feel like I felt when I first started my blog, and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I feel different. Not necessarily depressed or anxious or manic, but also not necessarily happy or energetic or good. It’s hard to know where I’m at…what this feeling is…what it says about me.
This is certainly not what I thought stability would look like. I thought I’d feel happier, healthier, and more motivated to do the things I enjoy. But I don’t. I don’t feel much of anything. So, maybe I’m still depressed. I don’t know. I just feel broken.
I feel somehow removed from my own body. It’s all very “Being John Malkovich”. I feel like I’m in a new body trying my best to make it do the things that I want it to…like type with keys and hold forks. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I’m never entirely sure what the outcome is going to be.
And, I’ve lost the flow in my writing. There’s something in me that, as I write, makes me feel so anxious about every word that I want to cry and smash the keyboard. I don’t feel satisfaction in this work. I don’t feel hope that it will get better and that I’ll get back into the flow.
I feel so frustrated.
I just want to feel like myself. I just want to feel normal.
So, what's the solution?
Maybe sometimes you have to write even when you don’t want to write, as some sort of proof that you still can.
Maybe sometimes you have to exist even when it’s difficult and confusing to exist, just to prove that you still can.
Maybe that's enough.
I don't know, that's all I've got for now.